8 Tips for Emotional Safety during Tough Conversations
Photo by Walter randlehoff via Unsplash.com
Have you ever sat down to have a discussion with someone, with the best of intentions, only to have it blow up into an argument and hurt feelings?
Did you hope to come to a decision on something or find a resolution together, but ended up having to defend yourself the whole time?
The key is to create an atmosphere where everyone feels emotionally safe to speak openly, so you can find resolutions together and connect with one another.
In just a moment, I’m going to lay out 8 effective ways to create and sustain emotional safety with others, especially when you're having tough conversations.
I've put these tips together using Marty Babits’ book, “Seven Guidelines for Middle-Ground Communication” (2009), Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication techniques, as well as my own experiences working with couples, groups and teams, over the years.
Use these tips to help you get the most out of your conversations during team meetings, couples counselling, family therapy, mediations, or any conversations that feel uncomfortable or tricky:
1 - No name calling.
It’s important to avoid name calling and character attacks at all costs. It's natural to want to protect and defend ourselves, but it cannot come at the expense of another person’s dignity and it cannot be done to hurt or harm another person.
When we call someone names or attack their character, it immediately puts them on the defensive, their guards go up, and the discussion either comes to a standstill or turns into a battle.
2 - Avoid using “always” & “never”.
Avoid making any generalizations about the other person or your own situation, and avoid jumping to conclusions. In particular, avoid using words like “always” and “never” (for example, you always do this or I never do that).
When we use these words to describe behaviour patterns, what we're communicating is that there's no room for change, which shuts down the conversation and doesn't give us any room to grow and move forward.
3 - Speak honestly, clearly & thoughtfully, from your own experiences & perspectives.
You’ve probably heard it a thousand times, so here it comes again…
Use "I statements!” Speak honestly, clearly and thoughtfully, from your own experiences and perspectives.
When you describe your own thoughts, feelings and experiences clearly and honestly, it shows that you're willing to open up and it gives others the opportunity to better understand you and empathize with you.
4 - Listen with an open mind, respect & compassion, even if you disagree.
Listen to what others are saying with an open mind, with respect for who they are as a human being, and with compassion for the hurt that they’ve experienced (even if you didn’t intend to hurt them or you disagree with them).
Remember that you've come together to move towards a common goal, not to pass judgement on which person is more right or wrong than another person.
5 - Don’t interrupt. Choose your response carefully.
Do not interrupt another person while they’re speaking. Do no blurt out your responses.
Take a moment to pause, breathe, and choose your responses carefully, especially when you're feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed, defensive, afraid or worried.
This will help you to bring down your own defensive walls and avoid saying or doing something that you’ll regret or will have to repair later.
6 - Name the behaviour, its impact on you, and what you’d like to see in the future.
The next tip is actually a “nonviolent communication” technique, based on Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s work…
It’s a formula that will help you express the impact of another person’s words or actions on you, as well as what you need from them to move forward. There are 3 parts to the formula…
First, you identify the behaviour or words that have hurt you or affected you negatively.
Second, you state how you felt when you were faced with the behaviour or words that you identified.
Third, you clarify how you'd like things to go in the future.
For example, you could say:
"When I notice dishes piling up on the kitchen counter or in the sink, I feel angry and frustrated because it feels like somehow, without us talking about it, dishwashing became my responsibility, which makes me feel alone in tackling all the chores. In the future, I would appreciate it if you washed the one or two dishes that you use as soon as you use them. It would also be helpful if we talked about sharing the responsibility for the chores and switched up our chores from time to time, so we give each other a break and keep things interesting."
7 - Cultivate patience.
It’s very important to build and sustain patience, both with yourself and others.
This takes practice and knowing when to take a breather to calm your thoughts, emotions and tensions.
8 - Use a Timeout Signal to take breaks.
Finally, agree on a Timeout Signal together. This could be hand gesture, a word, a sound, or an object.
Use your Timeout Signal to cue to each other that it's time for a 5-10 minute break (or longer), especially when discussions begin to escalate or become hurtful or unhelpful.
During the break, use the time to breathe, get a glass of water or some fresh air, before returning to the discussion together. Everyone should be allowed to use the Timeout Signal to cue a break.
Remember, you can use these tips to help you get the most out of your conversations during team meetings, couples counselling, family therapy, or even mediations.
There’s also a translated version available in Farsi.
If you need any support or guidance in improving your communication and connection with a partner, an adult family member, a colleague or your team, book a free 15-minute phone consult to get started.
I specialize in working with women (ages 18-55), including gender-diverse, queer and trans folks (2SLGBTQIA+), people of colour (BIPOC), first & second generation immigrants, neurodivergent folks (especially people living with ADHD), students, professionals and entrepreneurs.
