When “Good Enough” Feels Like Failure: Perfectionism at the Intersections of Identity
You’re the one people trust.
The one who follows through.
The one who shows up prepared — even when you’re barely holding it together.
From the outside, everything looks fine.
But inside, you’re tired.
Maybe anxious.
Maybe resentful.
Maybe on the edge of collapse — but you keep smiling, performing, fixing.
This is what perfectionism can look like, especially when you’ve been taught your worth depends on never making a mistake!
What Perfectionism Feels Like (Even When You're High-Functioning)
Perfectionism isn’t just about neatness or high standards…
It’s often about FEAR:
Fear of being seen as incompetent
Fear of being rejected or misunderstood
Fear of letting others down — especially after years of being “the strong one”
You might rewrite emails five times.
You might delay rest until every box is checked.
You might feel like you're never doing enough, even when you’re doing more than most people around you.
And for many of us — especially women, queer folks, immigrants, racialized and neurodivergent people — this isn’t just a personal habit…
It’s survival.
Why It’s Deeper Than Just “Working Too Hard”
Perfectionism can stem from:
Growing up in a culture or family where love felt conditional on achievement
Navigating racism, xenophobia, ableism, classism, homophobia, biphobia or transphobia in academic or professional settings
Feeling like you have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously — and still falling short
Internalized beliefs that rest, softness or slowing down = laziness, failure or weakness
Having been told your sensitivity, creativity, or non-conformity were problems to "fix"
Perfectionism is often not about ambition — it’s about protection!
What Therapy Can Offer (Besides “Just Lowering Your Standards”)
In therapy, we can gently explore:
What’s underneath your drive to be perfect
The anxiety or grief tied to your sense of worth
How to listen to your body when it says “enough”
Ways to let go without falling apart
How to practice rest, self-compassion and “good enough”, as radical acts of healing
You don’t have to abandon your excellence… You just don’t have to abandon yourself in the process!
You’re Not Broken. You’re Tired. And You’re Allowed to Rest.
You are still worthy, even if the email goes out late.
Even if you say NO.
Even if you don't know what comes next.
Let’s make space for the version of you who doesn’t have to hold everything: